|
 |
|
|
Tuesday, Dec 02, 2008
|
 |
||||||
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
|||||
 |
|||||
Ask Michael - My friend's teenage son is coming out |
|
 |
|
| Ask Michael - My friend's teenage son is coming out | |
|
by Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC -
SGN Contributing Writer Michael, we have a friend (woman) with a son [in his early teens] who has been slowly coming out and claims to be "Bisexual"- which I've always called a layover on the way to "Gaytown". My friend has discovered he's chatting online and she is concerned for his safety. I mean, it can be dangerous since you don't know who you're really talking to and he is very young. We thought of Lambert House, but do you have any thoughts about how we should approach him about this? Michael: Thank you for your email. This is a very important topic with broad implications and many considerations. I have a message for adolescents: there is NO shame in how you are feeling and it is normal. Seek people out who are going to accept you and provide you with guidance for you to make decisions that support a strong self-esteem. Make decisions about your behaviors that reflect care and regard for your body and your self-esteem - don't put yourself in danger! First, it is very normal for teenagers to identify themselves as, "Bisexual", or "Gay" as they go through puberty. It is well documented that this occurs yet this does not always definitively define their sexual identity. In early teens, for some, it is very clear as to their preference but for many, their preference changes. Although many teenagers think they are "Bisexual", as they mature, their identification with being "straight" re-emerges and strengthens and they take that into adulthood. A good number will maintain their "Bisexual" identity and some will strengthen their identification as being "Gay". At this stage, I would normalize this with him. The next part of my response will have a cautionary tone and I recognize and acknowledge this is coming from some of my own biases. I am also going to address this topic globally (adolescents in general) and I'm sure you will find it applicable to your friend and her son. Developing a healthy perspective about one's own self, sexuality, and relationships is paramount for adolescents. Chatting on the internet can be a wonderful way of exploring the world and gathering information. It is a great way for adolescents to connect with their peers and talk about what is going on for them socially and sexually. There is, however, a huge difference between exploring/learning versus being drawn into situations and scenarios which could lead to harmful identification with a dark side of humanity - and this applies to any person of any sexual orientation, but it is particularly vicious for Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender youth. Predators on the internet are very real. Their goal is only to satisfy themselves and they have no regard for the other person. They make contact with adolescents. When an adolescent comes across a predator, and is victimized by such a person (physically and/or psychologically), the effects on the victim are profound. Adolescents can be physically hurt and are often mentally scarred. Men and women today are seriously affected by the horrendous actions (physical/mental) that predators have exacted on them and for some, it takes years to deal with. As well, there is a lot of "negativity" on the internet. The Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, and Transgender community are often vilified by too many groups and individuals. Even if an adolescent doesn't actually meet a predator, he/she may come across the lies and fear tactics that are perpetuated by these hateful people and internalize this information. This can lead to depression, anxiety and a host of other issues that can wreak havoc on a young person's self-esteem, sense of the world, and their hopes for the future. These are issues they carry into adulthood. Teenagers get into trouble with all of this when they feel isolated and feel that there is no hope and no one who will accept them, understand them, help them, or support them. The resulting feelings of anguish, hurt, and confusion can contribute to substance use, promiscuity and, worst of all, suicide. It is my opinion that not enough is done to acknowledge the effects of this on our youth and, certainly, not enough is done to support, guide, and protect our adolescents from the potential harm that is out there. Having said all that, what can be done? Again, normalize this for teenagers. Talk to this young man and tell him that what he is feeling is completely normal and that he doesn't have to make any decisions about his sexual identity now. It is likely to change through his puberty years. Encourage him to keep an open mind to what he encounters and what he is experiencing. Give adolescents the tools to communicate and set boundaries. Let them know that, although there are many good people out there, there are some others who want perpetrate harm against them. They have to be strong enough to talk to someone if something doesn't feel right or concerns and confusion comes up. They have to know it is okay to say, "NO" and they have to feel secure enough to tell people about what is going on in their lives. Adolescents must have a forum where they can talk openly about what is going on and get the support, education, and feedback that empowers them to look after themselves. Open, unvarnished communication is important. Adolescents have to grapple with the issues in an honest, safe way where their self-esteem stays intact. They must have a place where they can talk openly and honestly with adults and peers that aren't going to shame them but accept them and guide them. Of course, it would be ideal if parents could take this role but I know that this is not always the case. When parents can't or won't, others of us have to. We, as adults, can provide the structure and location for these teenagers and the adolescents can provide the content. There is another HUGE thing we as adults can do: get over our fear! We don't have to be afraid of providing a safe space for adolescents and we don't have to be afraid of facilitating open, honest communication with them. Most of all, parents don't have to be afraid of having a kid that is Transgender, Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual. The fear that is in parents, that engenders shame in kids, is as emotionally damaging as anything that a predator on the internet can perpetrate. The fear needs to be re-directed appropriately towards the real threat and not layered on adolescents. It is our job as adults to provide children/adolescents with tools to be strong and the legacy of a healthy sense of self, sexuality, relationships, and a successful future. Options are available like Lambert House, therapists, friends, or other family members who can work with the family or individuals. Lambert House has a cadre of caring volunteers and peers to support GLBT youth. You can reach them at 206-322- 2515. It sounds as though you care a lot about this young man - and I'm sure his mother does too. Take these ideas as first steps in promoting a healthy environment for this young man. Again, thank you for your email. This topic is of utmost importance and the ramifications are profound. In my next column, I will address, in more detail, acceptance, boundaries, and self-esteem in our GLBT youth. Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC, can be reached at 206-325-4113, by email at askingmichael@comcast.net or by visiting www.michaelraitt.com. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 post your own information on the Seattle Gay Blog |
copyright Seattle Gay News - DigitalTeamWorks 2007