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Monday, Dec 01, 2008
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| Ask Michael - GLBT Youth and Boundaries |
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Michael: A few weeks ago I read your column about a young man coming out and I liked what you said. You said you were going to do a follow-up but I haven't seen it. Did I miss it? Michael: Thank you. I apologize for that. I had written a column about teenagers identifying as Bi-sexual, Gay, or straight. I had mentioned that it is a process for many and that I was going to follow-up with a discussion about boundaries. I will be addressing this topic with the issue of GLBT youth in mind but, of course, this is applicable to more than just teenagers - it applies to many of us regardless of age or whether we identify as Gay, Bi-sexual, Lesbian, or Transgender. Basically, there are two types of boundaries: physical and psychological. Physical boundaries are about our bodies and our physical space. We set physical boundaries by deciding what we do with our bodies and with whom we do it. Teenagers have to know that they can say, "No" to unwanted touch or contact of any kind from any person. Likewise, they can say, "Yes" to appropriate types of physical contact from others but the decision is the individual's - not someone else's. If someone is not respecting your boundaries around physical contact, they are not someone you want to stay around. Physical and/or sexual abuse are examples of violations of physical boundaries. It is important to note that many people think the age of consent for sexual activity in Washington State is 16 years old. Currently, my understanding is that the age of consent for sexual activity is 16 ONLY if the other person is within 5 years of age. Anything outside the 5 year age difference could be considered a sexual crime. I mention this so GLBT youth can know and make informed choices about their physical boundaries and be selective about who they have physical contact with. The other issue around physical boundaries is about what people do with their bodies as individuals. If people are choosing to put their bodies at risk, for example, by using illegal drugs, cutting, or engaging in risky sexual behaviors, they are engaging in behaviors that may suggest poor internal boundaries. Sometimes these behaviors are symptomatic of depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem and should be addressed with therapy. Combinations of these behaviors can be common with GLBT youth because of the negative feelings they have about themselves which they get from family, friends, or religion. Psychological boundaries are the next type of boundary that is important. There is so much negativity perpetuated against the GLBT community and it is very easy for youth to pick up that and identify with that. When we have strong psychological boundaries, we are aware of these negative messages but we do not allow ourselves to identify with them. Awareness of our thinking and actively changing it is the key. I think people deal with this internally on an individual bases. Some people do this on their own, some with the help of friends, family, and/or therapy. The fact that it is working for you is as important as how you are doing it. How do you know your boundaries are working? Watch your behaviors. We have insight into psychological boundaries through observing behaviors and listening. If you are engaging in behaviors and/or thinking that don't make you feel good, then you may have some issues with boundaries. Having trusting, open, honest relationships with peers and appropriate adults is a great way in which GLBT youth can mold and strengthen their psychological boundaries. Getting a healthy perspective from others who can relate and have developed their own healthy outlooks can be a very helpful thing. As I mentioned earlier, Lambert House (206-322-2515 x811) is a great resource in this area for GLBT youth. What we think and how we feel are good indicators of how our boundaries are working. A good therapist can help you understand your current use of boundaries and what you can do to change them to be more effective and feel better about yourself. Talking with someone can help you get perspective. Setting effective psychological and physical boundaries can help you achieve the goals you have in your personal and professional life. Thank you for bringing this up again. It is a very deep, important topic that needs thought and consideration. What is PNP? I feel stupid asking this question, but what is PNP? I see it on the internet a lot. Michael: Thank you for your question. Not a stupid question at all! PNP stands for, "Party and Play". It is an acronym used to let like minded people know that one is either using, or wanting to use, illegal drugs (usually meth) while having sex. "Party" is the drug use and "Play" is the sex. There are some real risks when people, "PNP". First is the risk of becoming dependent or addicted to the substance used. Many men and women in our community (and in the straight community, as well) are working hard at overcoming addictions to meth (and other substances). It is fun at the time and it will wreak havoc in your life down the line. Another risk is contracting HIV (or another STD). It is common that when one is in an altered state of mind due to a substance, their inhibitions go down and they may engage in less safe sexual activities than they might otherwise. Just be aware. The majority of men that I know who have been dependent/addicted to meth have said that, although fun, not something they are glad they had in their lives and they are much better off without it. For anyone who does "PNP" more than they want and wants some help, there are experienced resources such as Seattle Counseling Services for Sexual Minorities (D.L. Scott) at 206-323-1768 who can help. Also, there are individual therapists in the community (like myself) who work with individuals and their over-use of substances. Don't hesitate to call if you need help. Great question. Thanks for asking. |
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