|
 |
|
|
Thursday, Aug 28, 2008
|
|
|||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
|
|||||
Ask Michael - Steps to change your controlling relationship |
||
 |
||
| Ask Michael - Steps to change your controlling relationship | ||
|
by Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC -
SGN Contributing Writer I get emails from men and women who are concerned that they are in an intimate relationship with someone who is very controlling. They have questions about the other person and they express their frustrations over the way their relationships have evolved. I am going to discuss, in a general way, the characteristics of a controlling relationship and how to redirect a relationship back to one that is based on respect. Controlling behaviors manifest themselves in various ways. Some people are told who they can and cannot have as friends. Others have their time managed in such ways that there is no time to be alone or they are told what they can and cannot do - work at a certain place, what to wear, and/or where to be. Some men and women have their money taken away from them and it is managed by their partner. Too many people have their privacy invaded by someone else looking at call logs or emails. No adult in a relationship, under any circumstances or at any time, should be told what he/she can or cannot do, think, say, feel under the threat of some kind of negative reaction. Regardless of how the control is manifested, behind it exist dynamics and feelings that are poisonous to a relationship. Controlling behaviors are always joined with threats, anger, manipulation, resentment, and fear. Control is both in what we do and what we say. Women and men who exert this level of control have very low thresholds for the anxiety that exists within them about themselves and their partner. They live in constant fear that their partner will hurt them in some way and try to eliminate that fear by controlling the other's behaviors. This fear generates anger which leads to the threats and manipulations that go on in a relationship. These people are often afraid to seek professional help with these issues (either as a couple or as an individual) because they fear they will lose control when the therapist begins to identify patterns and ask each party to change. The partner who is subject to being controlled also participates in the dynamic by engaging in manipulative behaviors to try to keep the other partner calm. Through actions and/or words, this person gives permission for the other's controlling behaviors while hating it all the time. As well, this person usually ends up becoming passive-aggressive and deceptive in order to deal with the pressures of the other controlling partner. These behaviors, too, lead to other types of fear, anger, and resentment. The irony is that both want a good relationship, yet, neither person in the relationship is happy and they end up not having the type of relationship that they want and they are reluctant to look at the dynamics to change anything. Usually, the relationship ends. To reduce the chances that a relationship will end under these circumstances, here are some things to do. First, acknowledge the patterns and the problems. Don't deny them or rationalize them away. You can't fix or change something if you don't acknowledge that the issue is there. Second, for the controlling person, you have to learn to develop strategies to help you manage the anxiety you are having about your partner. You will have to get in touch with the stories that you are creating in your head about your partner and your life. You will have to make a commitment to doing certain things differently. For the other person, you will have to understand how you participate in the dynamic and, also, get in touch with the stories you are creating about yourself and your partner and make the same commitment to do specific things differently. A therapist can help you both with these tasks. Third, begin to realize the value of negotiating. All couples have to negotiate. Negotiation is fluid and sometimes takes into account the benefit for self. Other times, it takes into account the benefit for the other and the relationship. If you don't know how to negotiate in a relationship, seek professional help and learn those skills - they are critical. Finally, remember the following saying: "the greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior". What they don't tell you is that you have to start to create a, "new past". Each time you handle yourselves in a healthier way, you are creating that, "new past" on which to draw. One successful interaction turns into a day off successful interactions, then a week, then a month, and so on. It is very possible to break the cycle of controlling behaviors. You have to buy into the value of changing these dynamics for yourself. When it benefits you, it can't help but benefit the relationship. I have seen men and women - individuals and couples - do amazing work to have better lives and, therefore, better relationships. If you think you are overly controlling or overly controlled, identify it and then do something about it. Get help from a therapist if you need it. Best of luck to you all. Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC, can be reached at 206-325-4113, by email at askingmichael@comcast.net or by visiting www.michaelraitt.com. |
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
 |
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 post your own information on the Seattle Gay Blog |
copyright Seattle Gay News - DigitalTeamWorks 2007