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Saturday, Aug 30, 2008
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Ask Michael: Coming out as a GLBT parent |
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| Ask Michael: Coming out as a GLBT parent | ||
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by Michael Raitt -
SGN Contributing Writer Coming out as a GLBT parent is one of the biggest, most difficult decisions one has to make in their lives. Many men and women have faced this or are facing this now. This decision affects the individual's spouse, children, family, and friends and opens the door for a multitude of difficult feelings including self-doubt, fear, anger, and resentment. The relationship dynamic amongst individuals ultimately changes. There is a process involved in this that is sorely under-recognized and seldom spoken about. It is the process of grief. Grief is about change and transition. The stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The bad news is that these stages are never linear. They go back and forth over time as people deal with feelings and situations from the past and present. The good news is that it is possible to work through them successfully and in a way that supports the family members and the GLBT parent. Coming out as a GLBT parent is a huge change in a family system. Family members (including friends) will often try to keep the family system the way that it was by putting pressure on the GLBT parent. This pressure manifests itself in many ways such as anger, guilt, financial pressure, threat of outing, loss of custody, or loss of family. Most people recognize that this underlying grief exists in the present, while family members are dealing with a GLBT parent. Family members also deal with grief from the past regarding feeling, "betrayed" or "lied to." A part of this process that people fail to realize is that grief is not just about the past and present, but also about the future. What does grief have to do about the future? It is very related because as a couple creates a family and a constellation of friends, they create plans about how their lives are going to be. Whether spoken or unspoken, family members begin to envision how they think their lives are going to play out in their respective roles (as spouse, child, parent) and when things change in the present, people start to imagine - and sometimes fear - what is to come in the future regarding themselves as individuals and how they see the family. For most, this is almost a parallel process which takes place while dealing with the grief of the past and present. Everyone in the family is affected and everyone in the family needs to be involved in dealing with their grief. In order to deal with this as successfully as possible, it is important to realize the role that grief plays in all stages of dealing with a parent coming out. If you and your family can't deal with this on your own, I recommend that you obtain professional help. An outside, objective observer can help you and your family through facilitating conversations and challenging individuals in their personal growth. Coming out as a GLBT parent doesn't have to break apart a family. It is worth it to go through the personal and family work. I know many outstanding GLBT parents. They are loving and skilled parents and their sexual orientation does not negatively impact their ability to be outstanding parents. In the work that I do with GLBT parents, we talk about the past and present. We specifically work on redefining the future in a way that supports a loving, cohesive, healthy, accepting, involved role for the GLBT parent and other family members. The GLBT parent, spouse, children, other family members, and friends can create this familial environment through individual growth and growth as a family. If you are a GLBT parent, reflect upon how grief is (or has) impacting the changes in your family. Recognize the value in dealing with grief so you and your family can move through this so your family constellation can become loving and cohesive again. The Targeting of Transgender People In last week's SGN (Friday, November 23, 2007), I read a Letter to the Editor from someone named Roxanne S. I was moved by the sentiment of her letter and thought it important to address one component that I implied from the letter. Roxanne spoke about the negative treatment that Transgender people face in our community and society. What she says is true. Often, in communities and societies, those who stand out in a "different or unusual way" are often scapegoated, harassed, and excluded. What I read into part of her message was that some people still think there is something wrong with Transgender individuals and, therefore, the Transgender community is being targeted in many ways including exclusion from the GLB community. Just because it happens doesn't mean it is justified. For the record, Transgender people are NOT weird, perverted, messed up, or, in any other way clinically mentally ill. Although not well understood, Transgender occurrences are well documented. Professionals who work with Transgender people recognize that gender is brain based (probably a combination of neural wiring and brain chemistry) and when this is in opposition with the physical body one is born with, you have a Transgender person. This does not make a sick person. It makes a person who faces many struggles emotionally in trying to fit into a society that is harshly judging them. This is completely different than being a transvestite, which is, clinically, a sexual fetish (and a whole other topic). Transgender people can live their lives as happily and productively as any other straight, Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual peer when given the opportunity. Individuals in this community are loving, intelligent, artistic, and productive. They strive for everything the rest of us strive for. Rather than being targeted for being different, Transgender individuals deserve to be recognized for their extraordinary strength and what they contribute to their individual relationships and to society. One has to be extremely strong to face the emotional struggles Transgender people deal with throughout their lives. If you are a Transgender person and want more information, contact the Ingersoll Center at www.ingersollcenter.org. They are a wonderful resource. Roxanne, thank you for your letter and for reminding us about the importance of understanding, inclusion, and tolerance. |
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