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Saturday, Oct 11, 2008
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What I mean to say is.... |
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| Divided | ||
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by Beau Burriola -
SGN Foreign Correspondant "So, Jeremy. It says on your resume that you've worked on a lot of political campaigns," Ruchi said, eyeing the well-dressed man in front of him. When the man came into his office, Ruchi was sure he was Gay, as sure as he thought he could be; but the resume in front of him couldn't have been more contradictory: a long list of work for some of the most anti-Gay people and organizations in the country. People like this disgust me, Ruchi thought to himself, keeping his feelings well hidden behind a polished professional mask. Ruchi has never been able to stand closet cases, and having been an openly Gay man for his whole professional life, he feels like he's been on the front lines of really making a change for Gay people everywhere. He has no respect for those who have not. "I have worked on some campaigns," Jeremy responded, trying to figure out where to start. Unlike most people, Jeremy can't hide any of his political leanings on his resume. His work on past presidential and senatorial campaigns and some "family-focused" organizations are there for anyone to read. He's never been passionate about the causes he's found himself aligned with, but for him it was always a way to be closer to his family, to balance his own closeted life with what he was raised to believe. The closet isn't easy for him, but it's easier than being out. He wanted to do something else. He was trying. He was here. For Jeremy, the man in front of him was terrifying. Ruchi was the prime example of everything about being Gay he dreaded. He's so femmy. His voice is plastic and bitchy. Jeremy thought out a long list of things he didn't like about Ruchi, to compare how different they were. Having lived his life as a man's man, he feels like he's been as much a man as he is. He has no respect for those who have not. People like this disgust me. "What is the biggest challenge you ever had to face?" Ruchi asked, half-hoping he would say something about his closeted life. Ruchi couldn't very well kick the man out of his office, but he would have liked to.. He would have liked to score one for the countless Gays who are so often routinely rejected by random Gay-hating straight people. He would have liked to have turned the tide just this once. He thought about all the difficulty that he'd had getting into this company and proving himself, never compromising who he was the whole time. He had made it. Jeremy represented everything that stopped him. Jeremy's answer wouldn't matter. Ruchi genuinely hated him. In answering the question, Jeremy rattled off some of what he'd practiced earlier, but his discomfort boiled up into resentment when he saw the picture of Ruchi and his partner right there on the desk. So blatant. He couldn't get up and leave, in case there was a chance he could get this job, but he would have liked to. He would like to walk away from all the Gay people he never felt he was like. He thought of the challenges he'd faced from a life in the closet and wished he could describe them to show that he was strong enough to face anything. But looking at the man in front of him, Jeremy only saw everything he hated in himself. He genuinely hated Ruchi. In the fifteen minutes or so that they spoke, the office around them buzzed like a beehive; two phones rang in opposite intervals, a hidden copy machine poured out copies in steady, hypnotic cadence, and the combined murmur of a hundred every day conversations rose in a gentle hum throughout the room. All around them, the world carried on, oblivious to the deep, personal divide in Ruchi's office. When enough empty words had passed, Ruchi rose for the customary handshake to send Jeremy on his way. Giving him his polished smile, Ruchi imagined how unhappy this man was and how much happier he and all Gay people would be if they weren't so scared. Responding with his own polished smile, Jeremy made it a point to notice how firm his own handshake was compared to Ruchi's. He imagined how unhappy this man was and how much happier he'd be if he weren't trying so hard to be so Gay. Two Gay men parted as quickly as they could, each seeing in the other the things he hates about his community. The battle between a proud, tight-knit community of Gays and determined bunch of closeted Gays goes on. In a world full of people who hate us already, it is just another separation that none of us can really afford. "Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another." - Ernest Hemingway Beau Burriola is a rural writer, pondering the boxes in the boxes of boxes. beaubrent@gmail.com |
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visit Beau at www.beaubrent.com
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