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Thursday, Aug 28, 2008
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| Sex Talk | ||
| Cheating
by Simon Sheppard -
SGN Contributing Writer Men fuck around. Maybe not all men, and certainly not always. But it's a well-established fact that when temptation beckons, guys tend to give in. And few things can destroy a relationship faster than infidelity. There is, of course, a societal expectation that sex will be reserved for the One You Love - or at least for somebody you like a whole lot. But the male of the species is known for his ability to have recreational, even anonymous, sex at the drop of a horny hat. And while some guys can remain happily faithful for decades, for others, the draw of new dick can be too much. Indeed, just the taboo nature of forbidden fruit can prove a strong attraction. When a guy indulges in outside nookie, be it an ongoing affair or just a hotel-room fuck, the excitement of sneaking around can make infidelity seem even more significant & and alluring. There are many reasons to cheat: a dearth of sex in a primary relationship, declining passion for the boyfriend, a desire to explore new sexual stuff, or a perverse desire to hurt one's partner. While there are guys who get away with it, even successful behind-the-back action can take its emotional toll. Dealing with guilt isn't easy & or romantic. Sexual suspicion can undermine even the most solid-seeming affair. And actually being found out - something that happens more often than not - can create a major crisis. "What got me," says one wronged guy, "is that while I was restraining myself, being a good, faithful boy, my ex was fucking anything in pants. And on top of that, I figured that his rarely being horny was my fault. Unfair!" One real question, though, is just what constitutes "cheating." For many Gay guys, the definition is nowhere as clear-cut as it is in the heterosexual world. Since male/male sex has always defied convention anyway, it's no surprise that many Gay couples have less-than-standard ground rules. And if it isn't against the rules, then it isn't really cheating. Each relationship is unique, of course, and adaptations to nonmonogamy can range from the don't-ask-don't-telling "I don't care what you do, just as long as I don't know about it," to the easygoing "Hey, honey, want to have a three-way tonight?" Says one fellow who's been with his partner for over a decade, "I guess that we're lucky - neither of us is prone to sexual jealousy. So from the first, we decided to have an open relationship. What that means in our case is not having to report outside sex, but never lying about it, either." And his partner adds, "For us, emotional fidelity, not sexual monogamy, is the vital thing. Where he puts his heart is much more important to me than where he puts his prick." But not everyone concurs. "I think that open relationships are a sign of self-indulgent immaturity. If a partner really loves me," says a fellow in his 20s, "he'll save his ass for me." And if he doesn't? "Everybody slips once or twice, and forgiveness is a virtue. But if I were to discover that a boyfriend was always sneaking around behind my back, it would be ultimatum time." So how do you deal with a partner who's straying - or just suspected thereof? Says one understanding bachelor who has helped several partnered friends through connubial crises, "I know that the standard answer is to go to a counselor and talk things out, and that can be a great idea. On the other hand, if you love your partner but find him sexually boring, I'm not sure a visit to a therapist is going to solve things. In some cases, it's probably better to just accept that your boyfriend's going to go to bed with other men, and trust that the love between you will remain secure." Continues our helpful bachelor, "I know that many people - including Queer men - are baffled by the idea of successful open relationships. But let's face it, if a guy is dissatisfied with what he gets at home, he's either going to go elsewhere, or feel deprived and resentful." Sure, honesty can hurt. But dishonesty can hurt a lot more. Perhaps it's unrealistic to expect that another man can fulfill all your needs forever. But double-dealing, keeping secrets, and avoiding the truth "because it would hurt him too much" are destructive, both to yourself and to a significant other. Whether saint or slut, working through things with the one you love is most always for the best. It may sound like something your first-grade teacher told you, but some advice never goes out of fashion: Play fair, dude. Simon Sheppard is the editor of Homosex: Sixty Years of Gay Erotica, and the author of Sex Parties 101, Kinkorama, and In Deep: Erotic Stories, and can be reached at SexTalk@qsyndicate.com. Visit Simon at www.simonsheppard.com. |
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