Varla Jean Merman speaks on foreign tongues and spray cheese

Varla Jean Merman speaks on foreign tongues and spray cheese

by Sylvia O'Stayformore - Special to the SGN VARLA JEAN MERMAN LOVES A FOREIGN TONGUE APRIL 11-12, 8 PM RE-BAR $25 Sylvia O'Stayformore: Hello, Varla. My name is Sylvia O'Stayformore, a local Seattle gal who is gaga for the idea of seeing you live and in person. As a big boned girl myself who has always loved to sing, I have really admired your work. I've been watching your career blossom since I first saw you in the movie Wigstock at the Sundance Film festival in Salt Lake City, and then of course starring in the camp classic film Girls Will Be Girls - which I recommend everyone go out and rent this minute! I am delighted that we can have this little chat. Your upcoming show at Re-bar, Varla Jean Merman Loves A Foreign Tongue, marks your Seattle debut. Where have you been all our lives? Varla Jean Merman : I've been touring the globe for the past ten years! And besides that one year that I wasn't allowed to leave the confines of my home due to some miscalculations on my tax returns, I have been spreading myself across the planet. In fact, last year I performed in 11 different countries! And, I did shows in three of them! So let's just say I've saved the best, Seattle, for last! O'Stayformore : So can you tell us a little bit about Varla Jean Merman Loves A Foreign Tongue? Merman : Being an international chanteuse, I have tried to pick up a little native tongue in every country I was fortunate enough to be smuggled into. I have been quite successful, so I decided to share these foreign experiences with my audience. Remember, someone once said, "it's not the destination, it's the journey!" Which is great, because my show goes absolutely nowhere. O'Stayformore : You have an amazing voice! Are you classically trained? Merman : Thank you! I have trained a little bit & just enough to pick up some lovely affectations. In fact, even there are six vowels in our language, I somehow manage to sing only one, somewhere between "ah" and "ooh." O'Stayformore : At what point in your training was singing with a mouthful of spray cheese introduced? Merman : Believe it or not, the cheese singing was an ad- lib one night. I used to sing the song while eating an entire two-pound block of Velveeta. But those of you Velveeta connoisseurs know that Velveeta is worth its weight in gold, and I started to feel the pinch in my pocketbook. I chose the spray cheese as an economical alternative and ad-libbed singing and ingesting at the same time one night. Who knew, ten years later, I would have a colon with the consistency of a PVC pipe? O'Stayformore : After a long day in the steno pool, nothing satisfies me like a box of Bugles and a can of spray cheese - making little cornucopias of fun! But I also try to watch my girlish figure. Do you have any favorite diet tips? My favorite is Photoshop. Merman : Photoshop! Love it! Although I have been next to one of my posters or fliers on more than one occasion and had an audience member inquire, "Is that you?" Ouch. Diet tips? I usually don't give them out because I want everyone else in the world to be fat. Did you know that I lost 100 pounds back in 1998? And even though I have gained half of that back, I have kept the rest off by encouraging parasites to live in my PVC-like colon. Nothing like raw hamburger to attract prospective "friends." Worked for Maria Callas! (That's a joke for the more "mature" Gays. Something for everyone in a Varla Jean Merman show!) O'Stayformore : Your cover of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit" is truly inspired. So much so that one can't help but wonder: Is there perhaps some kind of hallucinogenic somewhere in your "Artistic Process"? Merman : The only "process" I employ in my act is "processed" cheese. But I have "accidentally" tried LSD a few hundred times. O'Stayformore : You have traveled around the globe wowing audiences, including those in England. Spray cheese seems to me a distinctly American phenomenon. When in Europe, what kind of cheese did you most often find in your mouth? Merman : Sassy lady! I know where you are going with this! And I'm not falling for it! I suppose you want me to somehow vaguely allude to my love of the foreign penis, including dirty alien ones laced with the fruit of unseemliness. So the answer to your question: I love any cheese that I can get my mouth on. O'Stayformore : Have you met with any romance in your many travels? Merman : Oh, mon cheri! What do you think the show is all about? I can't give it away! Although I have, in eleven different countries. I'm kidding. I took money in six of those. And only one of them beat me for going through his wallet. O'Stayformore : Have you ever had a stalker? Merman : No! And I am so upset because I am very lonely. Believe it or not, however, I just filmed a Girls Will Be Girls webisode about having a stalker. Did you know the Girls Will Be Girls cast has reunited and made webisodes? There are several of them online right now! Go to www.GirlsWillBeGirlsOnline.com and see them! NOW! O'Stayformore : What is your favorite position in bed? Merman : I'm not choosy! I'm a sucker for all of them! But who can make it to a bed in this hectic world. I usually just have my suitors put their seat back all the way. O'Stayformore : It has been said that you are the illegitimate love child of Ethel Merman and Earnest Borgnine - how did your parents meet? Merman : Oh! I thought I could get through an interview without mentioning them. I really can't talk about them. I really can't, according to Mr. Borgnine's lawyers and the State of California. Daddy gets very hostile when I talk about him or when he finds me in his closet smelling his loafers. I can't help myself! I love the smell of Daddy. So, on this one, I'll take the Fifth! I'll take a fifth of anything, actually& O'Stayformore : Well, thank you for this lovely chat, Ms. Varla Jean Merman! I just know that your family of fans here in Seattle can't wait for your shows this weekend on Friday April 11 and Saturday April 12 at Re-bar. Advance tickets at www.BrownPaperTickets.com